People are all too quick to classify bisexual and pansexual guys. Dating someone who introduces a woman? You are straight. Dating someone on the male side? Secretly gay and not ready to admit it. Dating a non-binary person who presents himself in an androgynous manner? Also gay, probably.
The thing is, bi and pan guys (short for “pansexual”) exist – I know that, because I am. These basic misconceptions swirl around traditional homosexual scenes and heterosexual spaces. I once had a trio with two German homosexuals and then one of them playfully called me a “queer baby” – uh, no, I’m as queer as you are; didn’t you notice when i was sucking your dick?
But let’s say you’re a guy who realized that like me you could not be totally straight – but you’ve only ever had heterosexual sex. You feel like exploring, but you are also anxious about it all. Does this sound like you? In honor of Bisexuality Visibility Week, here are some tips to help you navigate the field. Not you? Maybe read on so you can understand our sexuality a little better.
So you feel like you’re not totally straight, but how do you know for sure?
“You may not have this bulb moment,” warns Zechariah Zane, queer sex columnist and sex expert for Promise. “I thought that the moment my lips touched another man’s, I would definitely know if I was gay or straight.” Either I would love it and suddenly know it, or I clearly wouldn’t be in it. Sometimes we have a lot of unconscious internalized homophobia and biphobia that prevents us from initially enjoying the experience.
Robert Hutchinson is a personal development coach and co-founder of the Gay happiness project, a mindfulness-based group training program for queer men. “Sexuality is in the body,” he says. “You will feel it – it is really important to listen to your body and take note of what it is telling you.”
“Things like a warm feeling around your heart can be a sign of romantic attraction to a man. And if you have unexpected butterflies in your stomach when talking to a guy you might like, it could be a problem. sign of sexual tension.
I’ve never even flirted with a guy. How am I going to get away with one?
“In my experience, guys are a lot easier to flirt with than women,” Zane says. “You can be more direct and make more sustained eye contact. They often indicate very clearly very quickly whether they are in you or not. But in general, flirt like you like to be flirted with. Make eye contact, smile, ask questions, listen.
If you are nervous, ask verbal questions: “Can I sit closer to you?” “,” I’m thinking of kissing you, are you okay? – which immediately eliminates any ambiguity. This is a good strategy no matter who you are looking to exchange bodily fluids with.
Bisexual activist and Bisexual brunch Podcaster Lewis Oakley has a few more tips: “Gay clubs are obviously a good bet, and there are many applications. Chatting, texting, and seeing how well you get along with people is a great start.
He added, “It might be old fashioned, but I think being in person, seeing each other’s facial expressions and body language is probably better. Also go to places where it’s not frowned upon, because you don’t want to think, “Oh, I might be a victim of homophobia too.” ”
If we have sex, won’t they understand that I’m so inexperienced?
It could be a non-issue. “Fortunately, a ton of guys like men who have little experience and have never met a guy before,” Zane says. “To be honest, it borders on fetishization. So be open about it; if they are in it, so much the better. Otherwise, find a guy who is.
He adds, “On Grindr you can be very, very direct. Write in your profile: “I just got out and just trying to log in. Most of the guys on Grindr aren’t looking for anything serious.
Personally, I find Grindr a bit intense at times – I a m open minded, but i would like to see a pic of your face in front of your asshole, thanks. Feeld, on the other hand, has been a trusted source of queer sex (and straight group sex) for me.
Zane’s sentiment is echoed by Cohen. “Try an app like Grindr,” he says. “And be as open and direct as possible. It’s good to be upfront about your past and your sexuality – in fact, many guys are especially turned on by guys who are just starting to explore homosexuality. However, be very clear about your desires and expectations. “The more you talk about what you are looking for and what you are not, the more comfortable you will feel in the experience.”
Oakley was also quick to point out that the first sexual experience with the same sex – much like any first time related to sex – probably won’t be a mind-blowing experience. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself.
“For a lot of guys you can feel like you’re 14 again,” he says. “It could be horrible and end quickly. Let’s just deal with those expectations now, because obviously if you’ve been thinking about it for a long time and maybe watching porn, it’s unlikely to live up to that.
What about biphobia?
Unfortunately, the bi and pan guys have to put up with a tornado of assumptions and stereotypes. Let’s eliminate some of them now: 1) We’re all bitches. 2) We are still non-monogamous. 3) We are always rascals. 4) We will automatically cheat you and give you an STI. All bullshit – even though I personally am a slut, so feel free to slip into my DMs.
These biphobic beliefs have a ripple effect on our community. Compared to 63 percent of gays and lesbians, only 20 percent bi people go to their entire family, and two in five of us have hidden or disguised our identities at work for fear of discrimination.
(Side note: Many bi people also identify as pansexual, including Cohen and myself. “I’m bisexual and my partner is not binary,” Cohen says. “Most bisexual people I know are also drawn to trans and non-binary people. “Pansexual” is generally used to mean “attraction regardless of sex” which has a huge overlap with bisexuality, “attraction to two or more genders”. “)
Zane told me he deals with bi-erasing “all the time”, but he chooses his battles when it comes to tackling it. “If I corrected someone every time they called me gay, I wouldn’t have a life,” he said to himself. “But when you have the energy, you should try to engage and educate.”
Getting used to communicating confidently and confidently around your gender identity is really important. It’s not easy at first, but it gets better. If you are confident, the other person will generally respect your identity.
“Take the lead with language in your communication about how you define your sexuality,” advises Hutchinson. “I speak as a gay man now, but even if they fully support me other people might not realize how intense the experience of exploring and being open about your sexuality can be. . It’s really about developing assertiveness but also vulnerability. Maybe open up and be a little more vulnerable about your experience and what’s going on with you.
In addition to all of the above, find your community. Find gay friendly groups. In the game ? Join a bi game subreddit. In a night club ? Go to a dirty queer club party with a darkroom for happy endings. Interested in different relational structures? Descend to social polyamory. Everything becomes a lot easier once you find your people – and a lot more fun, too.